the fetishization of marriage

On the day of my 2 year wedding anniversary, the NYTimes magazine published a story called Married (Happily) with Issues.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/06/magazine/06marriage-t.html?_r=1
It caught my interest, the tagline stated- "Can you really improve your marriage? Is it risky to try? One wife takes her husband through the world of marriage therapies."
I'll cut to the chase- the article was bad. But it was one more argument in the swirling marriage debate rustling the country, and the living rooms (and probably bedrooms) of our friends.

This story followed on the heels of the Tiger Woods scandal, which had monopolized the conversation of our married friends, causing us to ask- What is a "good" marriage? How would each of us deal with infidelity? What IS infidelity? crushing? fantasizing? kissing? sex? A group of us discussed these issues and more over strong margaritas in a too-crowded Mexican bar on campus one snowy December evening. One friend suggested couples should give each other "free" weekends every once in awhile, where the "rules" of marriage (fidelity, monogamy, any other traditional value) could be tossed aside, without "consequence" (assuming she means spousal consequence- the consequence of my own mind would for sure be the downfall for me). The males in our group did not believe the females when we voiced near unanimously that Tiger should have "hit it and quit"- get it out of his system ONCE, don't say anything to anyone, and go back to his wife. To us, it was the relationship that we found the most offensive. We all agreed we wouldn't want to know, if it was a one time thing, but shot looks to the group- "it still better never happen". The men were near unanimous in their urge to commit seriously violent acts on anyone who touched their significant others. But interestingly, not one person voiced marital, personal, or moral perfection. No one asserted that such a "slip" would never EVER happen to or with them.

Reggie and I talk about marriage a lot. What it means to us, how the world perceives it. What it means for child-raising. We tell each other that communication is key. That maybe the world could stand to be a bit more liberal in the things we discuss with our spouses- not just the good, but the bad and the ugly, too. This can be dangerous, of course. We might be ok if you fantasize about a woman on the bus. Maybe not so ok hearing about it. But where is the line drawn? Maybe I don't want to know about your every mis-step, doubt, or confusion. What if it's not a stranger on a bus? What if it's a co-worker? Getting a bit too close for comfort? How do we share to improve the relationship and avoid sharing that destroys it? The line between bliss and insecurity is very very thin.

About a month later, I was partaking in one of my usual routines when I'm in the lab at Pitt alone- listening to NPR while working on some task that only required part of my brain. I tuned in to an interview with Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of "eat, pray, love" and a new memoir about finding love, and eventually getting married again, after swearing she never would. She made some interesting anti-marriage points that were condescending, snobby, and a bit sound-bitey, statements that some sworn-bachelor/ette friends have made (you know- a piece of paper doesnt define my relationship, blah blah blah) but one thing she said stuck with me, and I've found it increasingly playing in my mind- the fetishization of marriage. She stated that in other nations, marriage (and "wedding") is not such a fetishized fantasy, and therefore divorce rates aren't as high, and gay marriage not such an issue. The perfection, the handsome groom on one knee, the big ring, the bigger dress- But what about the relationship? Now is not the time or the place, but a lot of you know that the 6 hours that was my wedding and reception were not exactly hitch-free (ha. no pun intended) due to yours truly and some inhale-exhale difficulties. I do, however, think that the next 2 years of marriage, though filled with great ups and downs, has been more than I ever could have imagined- in a good way, and I think our relationship is really quite spectacular (if I do say so myself).

So do we fetishize marriage? Absolutely. I would take it a step further and say we divorce too quickly and too easily, perhaps as a result of marrying too quickly and too easily. In hollywood, we no longer blink when a celeb is married for 4 weeks and divorces. One can't keep track anymore. Perhaps we don't discuss what marriage means, what we want our life to look like at 65. What happens when we are wrinkled? fat? bored?
Gov Stanford's wife has said that the Gov discussed with her prior to their nuptials that he may have a problem with lifelong fidelity. People are up in arms about this (I know, because I'm home watching daytime talk shows because its a snow week in Pittsburgh).
"She never should have married him! She got what she had coming to her! She knew he was a cad!"
I'm sorry- really? A to-be husband and wife have a conversation about monogamy and their own doubts, and that means they shouldn't marry?? He sounds like a jerk in a lot of ways, and good for her for realizing that this was not healthy for herself or her family to continue the marriage, but to demonize her because she admits to talking about marriage?

What is a divorce-worthy offense? there are the obvious- emotional, physical, mental abuse- absolutely.
A conversation before the "i do"s?
"s/he doesnt want children,"
"s/he was unfaithful"
Depends. Depends on what marriage means to you, why you got married. I think by marrying we are creating a new family in the community. This is the person I want to co-parent with. To build community with. Til we die. Not, til we die if you are 100% perfect every second of that and if not all bets are off.

Easy for me to say, right? Reggie and I have been together for a bit under 7 years, married for a bit over 2. What do we know? Sure, I'll give it to you. But we do know quite a few people who are not married, quite a few who are divorced, and quite a few who, in my opinion, should be in both of those categories. It's all based on opinion and personal choice- but that, my friends, is exactly my point!

Gay marriage will ruin the sanctity of marriage. Really? Maybe in the fetishized marriage scenario. I was recently told a story about a woman who was having a lurid office affair with a man who had been married for 2 years, and who's wife had recently suffered a miscarriage. Their affair was discovered through sexually explicit emails sent through their office email server. How sacred were those unions?
And we should worry about the gays.

There isn't a moral to the story, but I think that if we talked more and assumed less, and maybe, just maybe, calmed the f&*^k down about who can or should or shouldn't get married, dropped the Cleaver/Brady fantasies and did what was right for each of us, as individuals, just trying to make it a week, a month, a year, 50 years, without judging ourselves or eachother, we'd all be a bit more successful.

Oh, and that sex therapist on Oprah? If her advice is what most couples need for a better relationship- I'm seriously worried.