12 months!

our 1-year old little bear!

your first photo, April 9, 2011

our first family photo

our most recent family photo, 3/17/2012

Darling Mathilda,
Somehow, in a year's time, we have gone from this-

in our post-op room, stillness amidst the chaos that was bleeding, blood pressure spikes, fevers, creatinin levels, input/output.  Just you and me.

to this-

dancing to Haitian music at Tatie Stephanie's wedding in Miami

It seems so long ago that you were born.  I was unknowingly incomplete without you. You have put my entire life into perspective in a way that nothing before has.  You talk, you move, you eat, you sign, you dance.  You love your family, Oscar (or "Auggie/Otta" to you), your favorite toys (Anna, your "ba" (ball)).  You love other kids and yell after them to come and play with you, no matter where we are (like 30 minutes ago at Trader Joe's).  You went from being the worst napper (oohhh the things we rigged- the music, the specific swing, nursing on the "favorite" side) to a great napper (5 minute waltz and you're out).  You didn't sleep through the night without at least one nursing session till nearly 7 months, but now sleep about 11 hours without interruption.  You are incredibly verbal and laugh all the time.  You crinkle up your nose and squeal when you're really happy- you've done this since you were about 8 weeks old!  You aren't very adventurous, which is surprising given the amount of energy you have.  I can't complain much about your physically timid nature and senior-citizen crawl pace because it keeps you out of trouble (mostly- today you learned how to open and close the DVD drive), but you are so sensitive to any trip or near-spill that some days I wish I could impart a bit of courage in you!

When I think back to our first few months together, I am sometimes amazed we both made it through.  There were days (ok, weeks) I thought you were killing me. I was so exhausted, I'm amazed I got anything done.  Any personal or professional accomplishment (from laundry to grant writing) I had between July and October I give credit to the walking zombie that was standing in for me.  I remember in the beginning my arms were so tired I didn't think I could carry you for another minute, but you'd cry if I put you down, or stopped moving.  I used to call Reggie at work and beg him to come home early.  Every day.

I will admit I was ready to go back to work.  A baby is very difficult, and you were a good baby.  I think now our relationship is as good as it is because every minute we are together is cherished (ok, maybe every 3 out of 4 minutes). Daycare has been so good for you, and likewise, knowing I get to come home to that smile and you planting a big Tilly kiss on my face when I pick you up, makes me work harder during the day so that I don't waste an hour when I'm not with you.

There are things I wish I had done differently.  I wish I hadn't been so frightened by my own exhaustion in the beginning and let other people in, even though I (and the house) was dirty and not put together like I wanted to be.  I wish I hadn't tried to micromanage your schedule the first month or so.  Finally learning that you will do things when you are ready, and that that time will be perfect for you, helped me so much. I wish I had created more space in my life and my mind for Reggie.  There were weeks that we were just like ships passing in the night. Waving hello, reporting on the currents, the sea temperatures, then moving on to our destinations.

Thankfully, there are many more things that I am proud of, than regret.   I'm proud that we stuck with nursing, even when it was so hard in the beginning.  I'm proud we are still using cloth diapers.  I'm proud we had a little garden and fed you good, local, organic foods, for the most part.  I'm proud that Reggie and I both excelled at work- 2011/12 was one of the best I've had professionally.  I'm proud that we traveled with you, that we stuck to your bedtime, that you rarely watch TV.

Right now, dearest Tilly, you are upstairs sleeping.  You'll probably wake in a few minutes.  When you do, you'll whimper a bit, and I'll come in to find you sitting in your crib, smiling at me, probably signing "eat" because you're always hungry when you wake.

Mathilda, I am so thrilled with the joyful, caring, funny little girl you have become in this year.  I can't wait to watch you grow more, and look forward to writing this letter to you next April when you turn 2. (I admit, I'll miss the month-by-month photos, and I don't think I'm alone in that!).

Remember when.....