how to raise a baby: the first year

Mathilda turned one 2 weeks ago.  This anniversary came with an entree of nostalgia, a side of guilt, an appetizer of IwishIwouldda, and a big, overflowing, juicy dessert of pride.  We did it! So what did we learn?  How is it we managed to raise an urbansuburban baby, keep our jobs, stay in school, remain married and (dare I say it?) happy? I'm not really sure. I don't have a lot of answers, just some one-year tested morsels of knowledge I want to pass along. Some new parents might appreciate this (you know who you are).  Some old parents might laugh (I know who you are).


Do not read*.
Read this blog. Read your friend's emails, your mom's emails, diaries, fortune cookies.  Do not read parenting books.  One will tell you to let sleeping babies lie, another to wake them every 3 hours.  One will tell you to sleep with your child, another to start her in the crib from night one.  One says never nurse a baby to sleep, another says nurse around the clock. None of them are right. None of them know you or your baby.  You will not sleep. You will barely bathe.  You will eat peanut m&ms for lunch and feel good about the amount of protein you are getting.  You will feel like a crazy person.  All of this is normal and cannot be solved with a book.  You are your baby's expert.  I know if doesn't feel like it today. You read and you end up making an excel sheet broken down into 15 minute increments in order to track exactly what you and your tiny, unknowing, little baby are doing.  See? Crazy person. True story.  Babies are human. Some days they are more hungry than the day before, just like you. Some days you sleep more than others, and some days you're cranky.  That one book tells you how your baby should be sleeping at 6 weeks, and yours isn't? F 'em. Dr. Weissbluth isn't in your house and he's never met your baby.  She only sleeps listening to En Vogue's How's it gonna b? Set your rocking chair to 75 beats per minute, crank the 90's R&B, and learn to love it. Babies will amaze you at how normal they become despite all of your best efforts to the contrary.

Try nursing.
Really. Just try.  There is support for you.  It is difficult in the beginning, I think for everyone.  You can still do it! I will be support for you! Practically: it is free, it is always available, you don't need to find the right kind or the right ingredients, it doesn't have to be heated at 2am, or packed in a suitcase or purse, it won't spoil in the car, it won't cause unnecessary baby weight gain, it will aid in maternal weight loss, and really- it is the best nutrition for baby. Emotionally, mentally, I cannot overstate the feeling of being able to solely provide health and nourishment for your baby, as you did during pregnancy.  It can also be difficult.  Sometimes your milk doesn't come in for 4 days and you just might give up.  Don't. It can also be uncomfortable. And it can be painful in the beginning.  Just try.  2 weeks. That said...Things don't always work out.  You are an incredible person and an awesome mother- no question.  It's OK. You are not a failure (see below).  You are not kicked out of any clubs (see below again).

Love your pump.
In the beginning, I hated pumping.  Hated the break in the work day, hated the feeling (suuuuuck), the sound (ch-CHHH), hated carting it around, hated the feeling of adequacy/inadequacy of my mothering abilities based on the ounces collected.  Then one day it dawned on me- pumping was two 20-minute breaks in my day.  I maintained a NYTimes online subscription, read 7 books (Hunger Games, Man Seeks God, Blink, Tipping Point, Middlesex, Water for Elephants, One True Thing), devoured a year of Food & Wine magazine.  Oh yeah, and kept my baby happy, healthy, and alive.  Love your pump.  Love that you are a working mom.  It is something to be proud of.


It's hard.
Obviously, right? No. It is worth saying. It's hard. Especially in the beginning.  I think weeks 2-6 (+/- 2) were hands down the hardest weeks of my 30+ years on this Earth. A new-dad friend told us great advice when we were struggling with a baby who refused to nap- for the first 6 months, anything goes if it makes it even a little bit easier! But it gets better. You will make it.  He will stop crying, she will smile, and then here we are, a year later, living not with a confusing fussy baby but a human being. But oh my, it's so hard.


You don't have to be in a club.
Attachment parenting, Baby-wise, cry-it-out, Ferberizing, Dr. Sears, Dr. Spock, baby-led weaning/potty training/solids, working-mom, stay-at-home mom.  You don't need a subscription to a philosophy. You can give birth in a birth center, but not co-sleep. And you can use cloth diapers but buy jarred baby food. You can send your baby to daycare but not want an evening babysitter.  You can be a stay-at-home mom or a stay-at-home dad but dislike stay-at-home groups. You can let your baby watch TV but only buy fair-trade wooden toys. No clubs needed.  This one was hard for me (see previous post).  I found I was instantly lumped by other people into a club- either super crunchy and a bit weird and unrelatable, or supernatural and definitely against vaccinations and ok with co-sleeping.  (for the record, my club would be: + cloth diaper, +nursing, +homemade baby food, +plastic toys, + baby-wearing, - co-sleeping, +nursing on demand, +vaccinations, - cry it out, +structure, -sleep training.  Is there an acronym for that?)


Talk to your baby.
Sign to your baby. Sing to your baby. Make silly noises and silly faces.  Act out emotions. Dance like a moron (or as I prefer, a fairy) around the dining room when she's fussing during dinner.  Because one day she will say "mama", and "doggy".  She will move to the music and clap her hands and shake her head. She will sign "more" out of the blue, after you've been signing it to her for months and you were certain she was not going to pick it up. She will sign "milk" while looking at you, sometimes while simultaneously saying "mama" in her sweet little voice when she knows the one thing that will calm her and make her feel better- and she can tell you.  And she will one day blow raspberries back to you, and play peek-a-boo, and shake her head "no no no" while pulling the cat's tail, and show you she is "SOO big!" and it won't feel so ridiculous anymore. Babies watch everything that you do.  Yesterday, Mathilda pantomimed putting lotion on her legs after her bath.  We do this to her every night and had no idea she was paying attention.  Then, she leaned over, touched the lotion bottle, and rubbed her legs.  They are watching.  Make it count.


Your kid eats what you eat
We don't have a picky eater.  Last night Tilly polished off a crab cake, peas, and a sippy-cup of milk for dinner.  Maybe we are just really lucky.  I will say that from the beginning, Mathilda always ate what we ate.  I'd puree our beef stew (carrots, onions, potatoes and all) and she'd gobble it down. We gave her teeny finger foods of whatever we were eating as soon as she could grasp.  We introduced veggies before fruits and still hold off on bread (she'd eat a loaf a day if I let her) until she's eaten other parts of her dinner. We saved money not buying "baby food" and just giving her "regular food" in the appropriate quantity and consistency for her.  This plan was supported by our pediatrician (a play-no-games kinda guy) and seemed to work for us.  I have no idea if she'd prefer a chicken nugget over tilapia. She's never had a chicken nugget. But if she did it would be because we were eating them for dinner. And the next night she'd eat her tilapia because that's what's on the menu. Of course she has preferences (chilis and stews seem to top her list of favorites).  I think she also eats what we eat because we eat as a family. Yes, dinner is now at the senior-citizen early-bird hour of 6pm. But we all sit down Cleaver style and eat the same food.  I don't know if this routine is why she is a good eater, but it's worked for us.


Accept offers.
Of chili, babysitting, hand-me-down onesies, visitors.  Accept it all. Learn to say YES, PLEASE! No one will notice that you have dirty hair- they will be staring at your adorable baby.  And when you just want to have a glass of wine with your spouse, let someone watch your baby. And your cable. And eat your pop-tarts.  Be grateful.  Then pay it forward. I wasn't very good at this one in the beginning.  I felt exhausted and a bit sad and didn't want other people coming into my house and seeing me like that.  I wish I had agreed to more social visits and help from friends early on.


Take care of the environment.
It is so easy to throw all of your environmental cares when you have a baby.  Paper towels, wipes, disposable diapers, bibs, table cloths, spoons, forks, single serve baby food jars and cartons- disposable makes our lives so much easier.  Today.  Over 130 million babies are born each year- that's about 4 babies per second.  Suddenly those years of disposable everything don't seem so little.  We wanted to stay committed to protecting the environment when we had a baby.  We wanted to teach papoose about conservation. It's not always easy.  We use cloth diapers and made our own baby food.  I'm not proud of the number of paper towels we now use (when we used to not use any!) And when we go out to eat I put down a disposable place-mat so she can feed herself and I don't have to go crazy disinfecting every surface.


Daycare/Sitters
Whether your baby will be in daycare full time or you will stay at home, at some point a "stranger" will have to watch your baby (stranger can even mean a family member to a baby- anyone who isn't mom or dad).  Do it early.  It's only hard on you to let them out of your sight in the beginning.  By 8 months, they know you, they want you, and can get really upset around strangers.  I've become a fan of daycare, 1) because she does arts and crafts (so cute!), and 2) because it has really helped her grow both cognitively, motorically, and socially. Regardless of if you do daycare or not, it's important to have someone else around your baby early on.

Remember you have a partner
You are probably living in the same house with the person who was there in the birthing room.  Remember that person?  You used to drink wine, gaze at each other, spend lazy Saturday mornings drinking coffee and listening to NPR, have sex in public (have sex!). Try to get some of it back.  At least the wine drinking part. 

and finally.....

You are not a failure.
You had a plan.  You wrote it down.  You practiced breathing and pushing. You read (see above).  You went to classes.  You practiced on a birthing ball.  You bought the nursing pillow and the footstool.  You drank tea with fenugreek  And then. You needed an epidural/pitocin/cesarean section.  Your milk barely came in/didn't come in.  You hated breastfeeding. Your baby took a pacifier/bottle before 4 weeks.  You used formula. You let your kid watch TV when you just didn't have the energy to talk anymore. You were happy to get out of the house. You spent $40 of your would-be gym membership money on Spanx instead and called it a day. It's not your fault.  You are not a failure.  You made a baby. Congratulations.

*Except the Nursing Mother's Companion.  It helps a lot.