I don't have a lot of friends with babies, and I have even fewer friends with babies in a 50mile radius. When Tilly was born, in hopes of finding a network, I joined a facebook group for moms. It was billed as being created for and by "radical" moms. The description mentioned all different kinds of off-the-beaten-path parenting things, and I related instantly to a few (cloth diapers! nursing! make yer own!) and eagerly signed myself up.
I knew I was in trouble when I started reading snide remarks, sometimes posed as jokes, about "other people's" circumstances or decisions (even if I agreed with the poster- it was the effort taken to speak about how wrong the decisions made by others were that rubbed me the wrong way). Apparently, to the frequent fliers of the group (those who post most often and with great vigor), there are a lot of problems with how other people have babies and parent those babies. Beyond that, it seemed that many of these contributors spent a lot of time working really hard to be different. It was exhausting! Reading a corporate/classist/racist/capitalist/anti-womyn/religious zealot .... agenda into every circumstance. I can't imagine having the time for that! Christmas celebrations are evil, TV is evil, weaning before your child is 5 (or god forbid not nursing), potty training, sleep training, recognizing race and gender, loving your spouse, vaccinations, working full time, circumsizing/not circumsizing, public school, private school, school, feeding solids, sleeping apart, plastic toys, pink/blue, evil, evil, evil. Not couched in "oh, cool that XYZ worked for you- it wasn't a good fit for us, so we do ABC". Sure, it's a private facebook group. Yes, people should be able to say whatever they want in a private group of supposedly like-minded individuals. The problem was, for the most part, I was like minded! I just couldn't take the condescension towards others who hadn't made those same choices, or couldn't make those choices, instead of acceptance that families and people are different. It went beyond offering helpful advice and sharing stories to a vehement extremism that really bothered me. I expected more maturity and civility. I think it is the same reason why, despite being a self-proclaimed bleeding heart liberal/progressive, I can't stand MSNBC. All that ranting and hot air.
I knew my minutes in the group were numbered when the haters turned to the medical/scientific evil. A very benign question about medication effectiveness was posted, unleashing a tsunami of responses berating the scientific community, physicians, the American Medical Association, insinuating researchers are in a conspiracy against the general public to try to make money without regard for welfare. I couldn't take it. Such ease of lashing out against something that the lashers obviously knew nothing about.
(And in case you are wondering how science gets funded by the US government, take 15 and watch this:
)
I responded to the posts in defense of research, science, medicine, myself as a mother and a scientist. And then I left the group. Apparently I am just not that radical.
I'm aware that these acerbic opinions are not shared by everyone. I have 2 friends in the group whom I like and respect and who do not speak with the same language as the other women on the site. In addition, not all of my experiences as a member were negative. I was handed down a baby carrier from one member and given great advice on where to order beeswax for the lotions I made friends and family for Christmas from another member. I realize it's not all bad, and that a lot of the blame lies with me and my inability to not take things personally. Unfortunately, you know what they say- one bad apple....apparently that's all my stomach could take.
In the end, I've realized that I don't need a mom group. I have friends. Some with kids (more and more each month- hooray!), many without. These great people have been nothing but supportive of me and my mom-ness, and more importantly, loving of Mathilda, from day one. That is a community that no facebook group can replace.
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