Trying but not trying

Originally written late June, 2010:

When we find out people our age  are pregnant, without fail they always say- “well, we weren’t trying, but we weren’t NOT trying.”  To which Reg has always remarked to me- “well, if you are having regular sex without birth control, I think that means you’re trying.”

So, this summer, we started trying, but not trying.

I’m nearly 29, Reg is 30.  I am a full time PhD student, part time lab coordinator, part time voice therapist.  That adds up to 2 full time jobs.  I don’t have time to have a baby!  I only have a cat because it can poop on its own.  We don’t make a lot of money, we don’t have fancy things, wear designer clothes, take designer vacations.  We drive a used 2005 Camry.  We have one car. Our house is tiny.  But we are obsessed with each other.  What I mean is, we love each other, we love our lives, we are happy.  There are times that this makes it hard to breathe. He once told me he wanted to be a paramecium together.  And I knew exactly what he meant. Recently, one of my oldest friends asked me about having kids, and I told him we wanted to. He reminded me, lovingly, that in high school I used to say I never wanted kids, that I couldn’t stand them.  And he is right. I never wanted kids before. If I was alone, or maybe even with someone else, I possibly still wouldn’t want kids.  Well, I told him, I’m so in love, I feel like I can’t even express it except to say- I have to have your babies!  And he smiled, my dear friend, and hugged me.  

And we started trying.

One thing I can say is- now something has changed.  It’s like how it felt the morning after we got married. I loved Reggie on Nov 30. I REALLY loved him on Dec 2.  And it feels like that now.  Early summer-we were in love. Heck, we had been talking about when to reproduce for a year (the only way I can do anything- talk about it ad nauseum), I started decreasing the alcohol and caffeine, started taking pre-natal vitamins.  But something even more was different-our relationship was different knowing we were taking this next step together.

July 14

Being fatigued is a sign of pregnancy.  It is also a sign of PMS, HIV, PhD, and a host of other letters. I am exhausted these days, which is horrible.  But maybe not? I have taken a nap almost everyday for the last week, which is insane. Sometimes this “nap” is from 8-9pm, then I get up, and go back to bed at 11. Could be because it’s over 90 degrees everyday with matching humidity.  Or I could be knocked up.

July 21, 2010

We went to a dinner party last night hosted by my boss in honor of all of my co-workers.  I made fabulous mango margaritas with pureed mango from scratch. Made mine virgin on the sly.  A co-worker brought her new dog, which everyone was immediately in love with.  I thought of bringing my new baby.

July 29, 2010

It’s 2 days late.  If my cycle is 25 days long, I should have gotten my period on the 27^th, and today is the 29^th.  No cramps, nothing.

Oh my god.

I spoke with a friend tonight who is going to start trying in September.  It would be nice to go through this with someone, I thought.  I don’t have many close friends who have had a baby.

July 30,2010

The test is positive.   I was shocked by the amount of shaking while trying to hold the test. It was 6am.  I peed on the stick, I went downstairs, I got some juice, came upstairs, and looked.

2 lines.

2 lines = pregnant.

I walked into the bedroom, shaking uncontrollably.  I handed the test to Reggie, and started to cry.  For about 5 minutes there was this mixture of shaking, crying, laughing, staring at each other, me trying to catch my breath. We cursed- happy curse words.  How can you not say- ohhh f&*k!?! We did it. Oh my god, oh my god.  and then- whoa, we are fertile people!

The world looks different now, Reggie said.

That afternoon, I made an appt with my OB-GYN practice.  They don’t want to see you until 6 weeks after your last period. That’s almost 2 weeks from now!!! 11 days. I have to wait 11 days til we know “for sure” it is all ok, and til we can tell close friends and family.  Online, I learn that it is the size of a poppy seed. That’s so tiny. So tiny and fragile.  What if I mess it up?  What if it un-sticks? A poppy seed?!  So, it’s not a papoose yet, we decided. Just a perhaps papoose.  Perhaps it will become one.